How to Simulate Submarine Life in your own
1.. Obtain a dumpster. Paint it black, weld all the covers shut except
which can be bolted closed from the inside. Hitch it to the back of your
wife's mini van. Gather 12 friends and bolt yourselves inside and let your
wife pull it around for several weeks while she does the errands.
2.. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the
curtain. shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong
3.. Don't eat any food that you don't get out of a can or have to add
4.. Paint all the windows on your car black. Drive around town at high
speeds with your wife standing up in the sunroof shouting course and speed
directions to you.
5.. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your
and move the shower head down to chest level. When you take showers, make
sure you shut off the water while soaping.
6.. Repeat back everything anyone says to you.
7.. Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands on the wheel and
the motor running, but don't go anywhere.
8.. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to
9.. Don't watch T.V. except movies in the middle of the night. Also, have
your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. Record
The Sound of Music and show it at least every other night.
10.. Don't do your wash at home. Gather your neighbors clothes along with
yours, pick the most crowded laundromat you can find, and do the
neighborhood laundry in a single washer and dryer. Make sure that 12% of the
laundry is lost and 20% of the finished laundry is incorrectly distributed
to the wrong neighbor.
11.. Leave lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for
proper noise level. (For Engineering Divisions)
12.. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
13.. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
14.. Sleep with your dirty laundry.
15.. Invite guests, but don't have enough food for them.
16.. Buy a broken exercise bicycle and strap it down to the floor in your
17.. Buy a trash compactor and use it once a week. Store up garbage in
other side of your bathtub.
18.. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich on stale bread, if anything. (Optional--canned ravioli, cold soup,
or cherry peppers)
19.. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in
food cabinets or refrigerator.
20.. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night.
When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then
run out into your yard and break out the garden hose.
21.. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then
them back together.
22.. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours
23.. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit
a couple of months.
24.. Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then cook a dozen
25.. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table
and lie under it to read books.
26.. Periodically check your refrigerator compressor for "sound
27.. Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a
lanyard around your neck.
28.. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
29.. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking.
Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
30.. Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep", run into the
sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor. Then, yell at
your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea".
31.. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and
stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove
and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in
particular) "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them
32.. Write a controlled work package to change the oil on your car.